World's Worst Query Letter

[Lady Macbeth]

I entered a contest on querytracker.net that is looking for the World's Worst Query Letter. Here is my submission. What do you think?

Pasmisha Corren
49 Cat Gut Ln, # 13
Yellowsign, OH 55436

Daniel Agentman
Agentman Literary Agency
100 S. 5th St. Ste 345
New York, NY 40051


To whom it may concern:

I am seeking representation for my novel Sword of Insanely Awesome Magic. It is not quite finished, but I only have 2 chapters to go. I am sending a synopsis as requested in your submission guidelines, and I am also sending the first 500 pages even though you didn’t request them, because I think once you read them you’ll be really excited about this work. It is the fifth book in my series, Instruments of Eternal Immortality. The first four novels have not yet been published but once you read this one I’m sure you’ll be eager to see the previous books. All of my beta readers on the Internet have really enjoyed the series thus far.

Sword of Insanely Awesome Magic continues the adventures of Prince Aaron and his panther companion Whinger, who can turn into the mystical heroes Fight Man and Combat Cat when Prince Aaron draws the Sword of Insanely Awesome Magic from its sheath. In this installment they must once again face their nemesis Skeletoz, with the help of their magical animal friends from the Forest of Unfathomable Joy. I don’t want to reveal too much about the plot lest I spoil things for you, but be assured that this is the most original and unique fantasy to come along in years!

I have not been previously published anywhere (yet!) but not for lack of trying. I did write an advice column for my high school newspaper, The Far Oaks HS Gazette, and several people told me I was really insightful about their situations.

Thanks for your consideration (and I hope you guys appreciate all the time I put into this query; it’s a pain in the ass to have to type out my address and remember to change your names and addresses every time I send this off to a new agent).

Sincerely,

Pasmisha Corren

[Scott]

This is real?

[Lady Macbeth]

Oh good God, no!  The point of the contest is to write the worst query letter you can imagine.    I guess it's pretty convincing.

[marka]

  I love the address Cat Gut Ln. #13.

Forest of Unfathomable Joy, indeed.

[Lady Macbeth]

Didn't win. Oh well, the winners were hilarious and really deserved it. 

[snarg2001]

 

[marka]

Sorry to hear you didn't win. But you're right, the winners did come up with some funny pieces. I thought the third-place winner, Amy Sonnichsen, actually concocted the best (as in best worst) query. It had me

To Whoever This Stroke of Genius May Concern:

"Snarling, snatching, dreaming, matching
Holding, pleasing everyone, but not hatching"

That is an excerpt from my book, which is a book made up of lots of little clever, cute rhymes. I just included that one to wet your whistle (*grin*). The book is called POEMS FROM SOUTH DAKOTA: A PERSONAL MEMOIRE WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CLEVER CUTE RHYMES FROM THE HEART AND MIND OF MELISSA LLOYD LAMBELLA and is completely finished at 11,622 words.

Melissa Lloyd Lambella is my nome de plum (sp?) because I dont want people to recognize my real name, because then I'd be in the grocery store writing a check and the clerk would start yelling, "Are you serious? Are! You! Serious? You can't be Chrissy Sue Miller! Not the one who wrote POEMS FROM SOUTH DAKOTA: A PERSONAL MEMOIRE WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CLEVER CUTE RHYMES FROM THE HEART AND MIND OF CHRISSY SUE MILLER!!" And then I'd have to explain AGAIN that I WAS THAT Chrissy Sue Miller, sign autographs, yadda yadda yadda.

And -- segway (sp?) -- I WILL be famous. TRUST ME. I live in South Dakota, which is a HUGE NICHE MARKET. And I will drive whereever I have to drive (as long as the money comes in soon enough to buy me a new car, 'cause the one I have now ain't gettin' there) to make sure this book sells. And believe me, IT WILL SELL.

WHY? Because there's nothing else like it out there. This is an absolutely NEW IDEA. NOBODY has thought of putting their life out there in front of the world in clever cute rhymes before. And that's what America wants. America wants NEW. NEW sells. Right now I work in the shoe department of a large department store. The women that come in want NEW. NEW SELLS SHOES. NEW SELLS BOOKS.

I know after reading this you're going to be hitting that REPLY button as fast as your little finger can hit it. Because you want to read MORE of what I have in STORE (*wink*). To save you the trouble, I'm just going to slip my ENTIRE MEMOIRE in the padded UPS envelope (and a few HOMEGROWN BEETS for you and your pals at the office to munch in your spare time). Just let me know when you're ready and we'll be on the road to publication and BIG BUCKS in no time.

And if for some reason I don't hear back SOON, just know that I have seven or ten other agents who are DROOLING over this book. They are CLAMMERING for it. I told them to wait until I heard back from YOU, so take the hint and feel special.

Dying to hear back...... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

------

"I live in South Dakota, which is a HUGE NICHE MARKET." -

In case anyone else wants to check out the winners. http://querytracker.blogspot.com/2009/06/best-of-worst.html